I am still here

I am still here - by Alex Penfold

I am still here

beneath the riptides of fear,

amongst the simmering, spitting flames of anger

that surrender themselves

to full-blown, roaring infernos.

Beneath it all,

I am still here.

Still here,

although my mind is elsewhere.

I am trying to find my way back -

to where, I’m not sure.

Because where I am

feels like I’m far from home,

and yet

I am still here.

And if you’re reading this,

and you have made it safely

to the other side -

if you know a woman

who feels as though she loses herself

each month -

tell her she is still there.

Tell her she will make it through.

And one day,

she will do the same for you.

******

What this piece is about

This piece is about the experience of feeling lost within yourself, but not gone.

It captures what it can feel like to be pulled under by waves of fear, anger, and disconnection while a quieter part of you remains, waiting to come back.

This reflects the experiences of women who experience Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.

A cyclical shift where, for part of each month, thoughts, emotions, and sense of self can feel altered, sometimes dramatically. It can feel like being far from home, even though nothing externally has changed.

What is PMDD?

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder is a severe form of premenstrual syndrome, often referred to as PMS. It is linked to hormonal changes during the menstrual cycle, but its impact is psychological, emotional, and physical.

Common experiences can include:

• Intense mood swings, anger, or irritability

• Feelings of hopelessness, depression, or anxiety

• Brain fog, disconnection, or feeling not yourself

• Fatigue, sleep disruption, and physical symptoms

• In some cases, intrusive thoughts or suicidal ideation

Symptoms typically appear in the luteal phase, after ovulation and before menstruation, and ease once a period begins.

It is not just hormones.

It is a serious, cyclical condition that can profoundly affect how someone experiences themselves and the world.

Why this matters

I believe PMDD is one of the most unspoken sufferings of women.

Many live through it in silence, questioning themselves, feeling shame, or being misunderstood.

From the outside, it can look like someone is overreacting. From the inside, it can feel like losing yourself entirely.

That is why this piece matters to me.

Because even in those moments, you are still there.

If you or someone you know needs support

If any part of this resonates, you are not alone and support is available:

• NHS – Speak to your GP about symptoms and support options

• Mind – Information and support: https://www.mind.org.uk

• Samaritans – 24 7 support: call 116 123

• National Association for Premenstrual Syndromes – https://www.pms.org.uk

• IAPMD – https://iapmd.org

If you are in immediate distress or feel at risk, please reach out to emergency services or a crisis line.